The Strange Love of Scared Girls
by kikis2
Summary: N-JBC fic. S1 AU. The UES is filled with secrets, and not all of them are Serena's. Serena has returned from boarding school and no one seems happy about it. Even Nate has moved on, or so it seems. Will be N/S, B/C. C/S, S/B friendship. Hints of N/J.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: AU S1. Some of this will seem familiar, but it's a very different story. The timeline is out of whack, and other things will be changed. **

**Disclaimer: None of this is mine. All characters are CWs property to abuse. Oh and tile is from **_**The Strange Love of Martha Ivers**_**.**

xoxo

_"I just killed my best friend...and my worst enemy."_

_"What's the difference?"_

-Heathers (1989)

xoxo

Tremors swept through the Upper East Side the day she returned. Constance was alight with gleeful murmurs and malevolent whispers. The year without Serena van der Woodsen hadn't been a slow one, but there was always room for another drunken scandal.

Of course Blair knew she was coming. Gossip Girl was in stalker mode and unlikely to come out of it anytime soon.

Chuck spotted her first. At his half smile, Blair followed his gaze, stiffening instantly.

Serena's golden head shone brightly as she lifted one hand in a cautious greeting from across the busy street. Serena had expected Blair and maybe Iz, but she hadn't been prepared for this. Not Blair, and Chuck, and Nate, all there at once. Chuck leaned against a railing on the Met steps, eyeing her slyly. Blair watched her suspiciously. And Serena couldn't bring herself to look at Nate, instead her eyes danced to the girl by his side. She was thin and pale, but pretty. Her platinum waves were brushed over one shoulder, pinned with a diamanté clip, it fell nearly to her waist. Serena didn't miss the possessive hand wrapped around one of Nate's arms.

"I was thinking, tonight we might could all hit Butter. I heard it was going to be…" Jennifer trailed off, noticing that Nate was neither looking nor paying attention to her.

When he could think again, Nate gave Blair an inquiring glance. Blair just raised her chin slightly, a silent message only for the two of them. _Be strong. Be quiet._ Blair couldn't help smirking at the way Jennifer's hand seemed to claw into Nate's arm, her eyes fixed firmly on Serena's approach.

_Had that been her once? Clinging so tightly to Nate, knowing that it wouldn't be enough? Knowing that all it would take was once glance from her best friend and he'd have followed Serena to the ends of the earth?_

Once it would have broken a tiny piece of her heart, now she just felt a surge of vindictive happiness at Jennifer's discomfort.

Serena bounded up the stairs, not quite eager, but not one to hesitate. Her eyes fixed on Blair's automatically, searching for any hint of what the brunette was feeling.

"B!" Serena didn't know what exactly you said to your best friend after a year without contact.

Blair stood on reflex, letting herself get pulled into a cautious hug. Coolly, she rested her hands on Serena's shoulders before sitting down again.

There was so much running through Serena's head. _ I missed you. I'm sorry. I need you._ In the end, she just smiled and glanced away.

"Hello Chuck," she greeted, her attempt at sternness ruined by a smile.

"What, no hug?" He asked, eyes slipping over her from head to toe in a way that would make most girls (and guys) shiver.

"Sorry, no gloves." Serena wiggled her fingers for emphasis.

Chuck's smirk only widened. "See, this is why I think there are so many better uses for your mouth," he deadpanned.

"You're filthy," she accused heatedly.

"You love it."

Eventually, when to do anything else would have seemed odd, she turned to Nate. She wished she hadn't had to leave all those nights ago. She wished she could have just apologised, begged him to forget about it and just moved on. They could've been friends, and just looking at him wouldn't hurt so much and he wouldn't be staring at her all pained and waiting. "Hey," she said quietly.

"Hey, S," he bit out, disappointed at her lack of reaction. He hadn't expected any big show of emotion, or declarations of love. He knew she'd never do that with Blair so close, even if it was clear they were no longer together. But he wanted to be able to see something, anything, when he looked in her eyes. Something that hinted that she felt even a tenth of what he felt for her. She just hid her eyes, turning to face the only member of the group she didn't know.

She held out her hand, her smile almost too bright. "Hi, I'm Serena van der Woodsen."

Jennifer tilted her head to the side, staring at Serena's hand till the smile wilted. "I know who you are," she mocked, standing. Serena had to stare upwards at the girl one step above her. "I'm Jennifer Humphrey. You should remember that." Her eyes flicked away in dismissal. She took a step then held out her hand. "Nate?"

Obediently Nate followed. Reaching for her hand, he didn't look back.

Serena turned back to Blair. "Wow," she breathed. Not sure whether to laugh or not. "What was that about?"

Blair brushed her lap, as if she could see invisible crumbs. "I guess that was your homecoming," she replied with a cold glance. "Hope you weren't expecting a party." With quick steps she hurried after Jennifer. Serena watched the bright red bow clipped to Blair's hair disappear down the stairs, Chuck close by her side.

At the bottom of the stairs, Chuck turned, walking backwards. He gave a slight shrug of his shoulders and an almost imperceptible smile. Serena couldn't tell if he was gloating, or apologetic.

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_Spotted: S eating alone on the Met steps. Looks like Queen B (or is it Queen J?, so hard to tell these days) won't be welcoming home our Prodigal It Girl with open arms. You know what they say, too many queens spoil the honey. Better buckle down Upper East Siders, this one is going to get messy._

-Gossip Girl

xoxo

Secluded in a corner banquette at Butter, Chuck lay in wait. Jennifer had quickly, and unsurprisingly, decided to spend the night alone with Nate. Blair didn't want to risk seeing Serena, so his only companions for the night were Kati, iz and Hazel.

All talk ceased as their phones buzzed in unison. Each read their message eagerly.

"I can't believe she's coming here tonight," Hazel snickered.

"Why not? She's probably going for a take-over," Kati suggested, the _I would_ only hinted at.

Chuck tucked his phone away, pausing when he caught sight of lacy black tights under the table.

"I need to talk to you," Serena demanded.

"Well, hello to you too," Chuck smarmed.

Serena shot a glance around the table, frowning quizzically when none of the girls moved. Hazel swallowed nervously, and Iz seemed to be almost trembling, but they held. Chuck let the moment linger, let this new order sink in while Serena waited awkwardly.

"Go," Chuck pronounced casually. The girls practically crawled over each other to get away. He smiled appreciatively at the low-cut top of Serena's sequined dress. "How does it feel to be a nobody?" he asked as Serena slid into the booth across from him.

"I wouldn't know," Serena returned, not all that sure if it was true or not, not even sure what she wanted it to be. "I don't care about that, anyway." She met his eyes, and there was a silent plea there.

"I suppose this is the part where you tell me what you do care about." Chuck's teeth snapped. He knew what was coming, knew what the outcome would be too.

Serena couldn't quite bring herself to say the words yet, to beg for his help, so she asked the other question that was playing on her mind. "Have you seen Georgina?"

Chuck's eyes widened. "What? Why?"

Serena was more confused by his reaction. Startling Chuck was unheard of. "I just thought she'd be here. I went looking for her before, but…"

Chuck stared at the table, tapped his fingers in edgy movements. "She wasn't a good friend Serena. If I were you," he met her eyes squarely, "I'd stop looking."

Serena didn't move, struck by how intensely he watched her. Eventually she just nodded. "Look, anyway, what I care about, you know, it's Blair. It's my _friends_." She reached out, touching the top of his hand before he pulled it away. She barely paused when Chuck drew his hand away, knowing he wasn't into casual touching that didn't end in nudity. "I know I left. I messed up, okay? But I just need Blair to hear me out. Help me get her to listen."

"Why did you leave?" he asked experimentally, just wanting to know how much she'd tell.

"I just…I just had to get away," the barest hint of fear still in her voice.

In that moment all he could remember was the Connecticut cabin. Him and Blair, Nate and Little J, that stupid television and that ocean that would never stop moving. His jaw tensed, and he watched as Serena bit her lip.

They all had their tells.

Chuck gave a quiet snort. "I doubt Blair will buy that any more than I do. You left. You didn't say goodbye. You didn't call. You didn't write. And then you didn't come back for a year. You better have something better than 'I just felt like it.'"

"Chuck! It's complicated, okay? I was just…I was messed-up."

Knowing that was the best he'd get, he decided not to torture her anymore. "Messed-up? I suppose that's one word for sleeping with your best friend's boyfriend. Though I've got a few better ones." He watched in almost amusement as she held herself together. As his words sunk in her face didn't change, if anything it just seemed more aloof. He'd missed this. There was the Serena that was all energy and sparkly good-naturedness, but if you hit hard enough, chewed up that sickly sweet exterior, there was that socialite core—icy and untouchable.

"Blair doesn't know," she said with little hope.

"Sorry. You didn't actually think Nate could keep his mouth closed, did you?" Chuck asked, his smile small and tight.

"Tell me you're lying. _Please_," she begged, eyes closing for a second too long.

"Why would I lie when the truth is so much more fun?" Chuck threw back, seeming unaffected by her plight. "Her and Nate might not be together anymore, but Blair doesn't forgive easily." He stood, moving out of the banquette. "A word of advice: lay low and maybe Blair will forget about you."

His mission accomplished, he turned to leave.

"Wait!"

Impatiently, he turned back. "What?"

"Blair sent you, didn't she?" Serena asked in an odd moment of shrewdness.

Chuck measured her words and wondered what wouldn't sound suspicious. "So? She didn't want to see you. Can you blame her? A lot can happen in a year."

"When did you become Blair's messenger boy?"

"When I discovered what clever hands she has."

Serena wrinkled her nose, quickly trying to sort through her jumbled mind. She could see Chuck growing bored with the conversation, almost edging away. She needed something,_ anything_, to keep hold of Chuck. Nate would have been easier, but now she knew there was no way Nate could soften Blair up for her. In the end she only had one last card to play. "I wanted to come back, I did. I wanted to make things right, but I couldn't. Georgina wouldn't let me."

She saw the way her words caught Chuck's attention, the unreadable shadows that drifted over his eyes.

"She's been blackmailing me, Chuck. I had to come back because my family is…a wreck, but she still wouldn't let me. That's why I need to find her."

"You're trying to tell me Georgina, until very recently has been blackmailing you, to stay away from New York for a year?" Chuck shook his head, still smiling. He really hadn't expected this level of manipulation from her. Absurd pity-me lies weren't usually her style. "Nice try."

Serena grabbed his hand before he could leave, she turned over his palm and wrapped his hand around her phone. "Check the inbox."

He gave her a curious look before doing as she said.

"It's from a blocked number, but it's her. They're all signed with a G and she's the only person that knows about…It." She was taking a big risk telling him, but she wanted her life back. She didn't want to hide anymore. She didn't want to have to watch her back just in case Georgina turned up.

At first Chuck didn't believe it. He couldn't He thought through all the ways Serena cold fake the messages, and knew without a doubt it wasn't something she'd do. Slowly he felt the colour leave his face. _This couldn't be happening_. _Georgina couldn't…She couldn't._ His fingers flew over the keys.

"What happened to the video that was attached to the messages?" he asked, when he could talk again. The link was there, but the phone was giving him a _file not found _error.

"Deleted. It's not something I could leave on there," Serena said slowly.

"I don't doubt it." He sent a few of the messages to his own phone.

"What are you doing?" Serena asked, finally alarmed at the sound of Chuck's text alert.

"Don't worry about it," he told her, turning to leave. And he should have left then. He should have left her scared and alone, which was the plan. The plan that was well laid out for all of them. But he couldn't quite do it. He scowled over his shoulder. "Look, don't worry about it. Georgina hasn't been seen in a while, okay?" He meant it to be comforting, but they just sounded like his usual mocking words.

But Serena nodded, as if hearing more than he said. She felt safer knowing that Chuck had her back.

It had been a year, and apparently she had grown no wiser.

xoxo

**E/N: So …new series. Let me know if you're interested :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews. They're always appreciated. **

xoxo

Serena made it home, or to the hotel her mother insisted on living in, exhausted and frustrated. Half her night had been wasted searching Georgina's usual hangouts. Half a dozen bars later and Serena had come up with nothing. No bartenders remembered seeing her, none of Georgina's acquaintances knew where she was, and no one knew how to contact her. Instead of relief, Serena felt almost sick with foreboding. At least if she knew where Georgina was, she'd know which direction to keep watch.

The sweet-faced doorman on duty gave her a tight smile and tilted his head toward the lobby.

Nate looked up at the sharp sound of heels on tiles. He'd been sitting there for two hours, and was almost surprised that she was finally in front of him. Serena was frowning at him, her arms crossed in annoyance, but he couldn't help grinning like stupid. It had been so long since he'd seen her, he'd almost forgotten what if felt like when his heart beat like crazy just at the sight of her.

He stood up quick and graceless. "Hey."

"What are you doing here, Nate?"

He shrugged, the smile slowly leaving his face. Now that he was here, he wasn't quite certain what to say. Really, he'd just wanted to see her again, reassure himself that she was home, and here to stay.

When he didn't respond, she continued impatiently, "Should you even be here? What if you were seen with the school pariah?" she asked bitterly.

He shouldn't be here. If Blair or Jenny found out he'd never be forgiven. "I missed you," he said simply, because it had always been hard to think about consequences when Serena was close enough to touch.

Serena looked away, face softening into something like pain.

"Can I come upstairs?" he asked, not wanting to leave her yet, and not wanting to be spotted in the lobby.

Serena thought about it for maybe half a second before nodding.

When the elevator doors shut behind them, she slapped Nate's arm. "You _told_."

It took Nate a while to figure out what she was talking about. "You mean about us?" His face warmed. He couldn't think about that night without his whole body reacting.

"Yes! What were you thinking?" Serena shook her head in agitation.

He followed her into the dark and empty suite. Serena switched on the downstairs lights before kicking off her shoes and collapsing into the parlour lounge. Her brother was in the Ostroff Centre and she had no idea where her mother was. "Why'd you tell Nate?"

He sat across from her and couldn't meet her eyes. "I thought you were coming back." It sounded stupid now, but a year ago, under all the guilt, he'd been thrilled. Yes, he'd loved Blair, but it wasn't the same. He'd even kind of planned it out. He would tell Blair and apologise. They'd break it off and then he'd go to Serena. And he would have waited, would have given time so that Blair wasn't embarrassed and Serena wasn't scared. Maybe it wasn't the best plan, but he'd give anything for it have worked.

He felt older now. And no smarter. Knowing everything he knew, knowing how badly things might turn out, he'd still come here tonight.

Serena fiddled with the end of her dress. "I did." Eventually.

"If you wanted me to lie, then you should have stayed long enough to tell me." He hadn't meant to say those words, but he was annoyed. "Why'd you leave, Serena?" He studied her intensely, just daring her to lie.

"I'd think out of everybody you'd know…" she replied dryly.

"So it was me? It was just because you couldn't face Blair?" he pushed.

"She was my best friend," Serena said tiredly.

Nate glared at the wall behind her. How could she lie to him? He'd been sick to his stomach when Georgina showed them the tape. _Oh so concerned about S_. Georgina had given that purring laughter that made the hair on the nape of his neck stand. Blair had demanded Georgina tell them what she knew, and Georgina had just laughed some more, telling them that she knew plenty about Serena. She'd switched the television on and with her camera already plugged in, he'd had to watch as that guy put his hands all over Serena. She'd still had _his_ shirt on, _his _kisses on her lips, _his _finger marks on her thighs while that asshole groped her. it had made him physically ill just thinking about it. _I doubt you'll be seeing your precious Serena anytime soon_. And when the video was over there was just silence. Not even Chuck had made a comment. Georgina had snatched up her camera. She looked oddly pained now that her malice was used up.

He wasn't so angry anymore, not so selfish that he could be jealous of a dead boy. But he was still confused. Serena didn't have to leave. She could have come to them. Him and Blair, and even Chuck would have helped. But it was a year later and she was still lying.

"Why don't you trust me?" he asked suddenly. At her look of confusion he continued, "You could have told me about what happened with Georgina and Peter Fairman."

Serena blinked rapidly, head spinning. "I don't…I don't know what you're talking about," she said faintly.

"I'd have done anything for you," he added quietly. Shoving his hands in his pockets, he walked over to the window. He let his forehead rest against the window.

Serena followed him, standing close behind him. She frantically tried to think of something adequate to say. "How could I do that to you? What sort of friend would drag you into that?"

That hit a little close to home. "We weren't just friends, Serena. I loved you."

Gently she touched his back, trying to get him to turn around. "I didn't know…"

That was stupid. No one misses that. Not even Blair was surprised by it. "Yes you did."

He faced her, taking in how scared she looked. It was weird, because he was brave enough to tell her the truth, but not brave enough to hear that she didn't feel the same way. He kissed her before she could say anything. Her lips were warm, and she tasted all sweet and lipsticky. It wasn't right: this shouldn't feel new. This should have happened a million times, not just once on a bar stool. Her waist should feel familiar against his palms, and her hands should always be cupping his neck.

He broke the kiss first. His throat felt tight and his body hummed with energy. Serena pulled her arms away, crossing them before they made things worse.

The silence was almost oppressive and Serena said the only thing she could think of.

"I knew."

xoxo

In his own suite Chuck unthreaded his bowtie, not bothering to turn on any lights. He took his time in the shower. The smell of women's perfume and smoke always seemed to linger after a night out. With the golden wild-child back—hitting five clubs in two hours—he was forced to double his efforts to appear the playboy hedonist. Gossip Girl would no doubt find a way to compare their drinking schedules.

He jumped as the bed dipped behind him, and a warm arm circled his waist. "Blair," he mumbled in resignation. "How long have you been here?"

"It's late," she accused in answer, barely holding back a yawn as she pressed her face into the warmth of his back.

"I have a reputation to uphold," he replied. "And you are not supposed to be here."

Blair rolled her eyes, letting her fingers trace over Chuck's skin. "I was careful."

She didn't let him see her eyes, knowing there'd be more than just idle lust in hers. At home she'd felt crazy, pacing the floors until her mother had screeched in annoyance. The Palace was the only place she felt safe anymore.

"Well you're going to have to be twice as careful now that Serena lives at the Palace too. The lobby is crawling with Gossip Girl spies." On his side he pressed lingering kisses into Blair's neck, letting his fingers edge down the strap of her slip.

"Ugh, I know. Can't you do anything about that?" She wrapped her fingers through Chuck's hair, guiding his lips over her chest.

"I doubt the public would be sympathetic if the Palace started roughing up twelve year olds in the alley whenever they pull out their cells," he informed her between kisses.

When Blair remained oddly quiet, he rolled onto his back, pulling her into his chest. "Are you okay?"

She ducked her head, hiding her face. "Why wouldn't I be?"

Chuck eyed her in amusement. Was she really going to play it that way? "Because your best friend, who deserted you for a year, returned and you now have to alienate her." He tucked a lock of hair behind her ear, forcing her to look up. "It doesn't have to be this way, you know." This wasn't the way he'd wanted to do things. At the end of the day, Serena was one of them. She could be trusted again.

Blair took in a sharp breath. "_Yes_. Yes, it does. And today was fine. I have every right to be angry with _her_ and we all agreed: Serena doesn't come back in."

"It's not me you have to worry about," he informed her.

"Nate," Blair sighed. Their weakest link. He wasn't much of a liar, but he'd do what he had to protect his friends, that she had to believe. "He'll do what he has to," Blair decided stubbornly.

Chuck measured his chances, and thought changing the subject was the only thing he could do.

"You wouldn't believe what Serena told me."

Her lips tightened into something not quite humorous. "There's nothing I wouldn't believe of Serena."

Blair," Chuck paused, knowing how his next words would hit, "Serena says she couldn't come back because _Georgina's_ been blackmailing her."

Blair let out a sharp burst of laughter. "You're kidding? I didn't think Serena had it in her to lie like that." When Chuck didn't move or react, Blair squirmed in his arms. "You _know_ she's lying."

Chuck tightened his arms so Blair couldn't move away. He knew that Blair was still angry with Serena, but they had to know all the pieces in play. "She's not. Serena was being blackmailed. The messages on her phone were from a blocked number, and there was a video as well."

Blair sat, giving him an almost dazed look. "Georgina's tape?"

"That would be the one," he answered gently.

She shook her head, eyes wide and fists balled. She was silent for a beat too long, feeling oddly weighed under. "We looked for it everywhere. I figured Georgina must have had it on her."

He shrugged. "We all did," he said softly.

But they had been wrong. And a year ago none of them could have suspected how conniving their "friend" really could be.

"God. That_ bitch_," Blair hissed. An idle year had left her nerves raw and spiteful. She was sick of getting dragged out with the tide, and sick of being unable to do anything about it.

Chuck pulled her hand to his lips, placing a gentle kiss on the centre of her palm. "I know," he agreed sympathetically. They were all in the same boat. Blair nestled into the crook of his neck. "We'll take it back, Blair."

Blair closed her eyes before tears of frustration could fall. She didn't know how much longer she could wait. She wanted her life back _now_. She wanted every inch of it back. And she never wanted to spend another hour in fear, wondering if this was the day the truth finally found her.

xoxo

**E/N: I suck at C/B. R&R. Cookies for anyone that's figured out the twist ;)**


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